〇padagata

updated 2 weeks ago

15.08.2024

Dear MR,

I am just here. Stay there. Always. You are my only friend. Do not worry about me. I just need you to be the person who believes in me sincerely bison unsatisfactory ka-crazy. Someday, muingon ka na sakto jud ko. Bang, hapit na imo birthday. Mag-wish tana ko para nimo pero nahurot nako. I am so spent. Spiritually spent. Out of love. Somehow a ‘maypa ka’ moment. Gusto ko mutawag nimo or mu-msg pero di ko ganahan mag litany sa akong kasakit ug sakit. Sumpayan pa nako ni, basin muhilak na ko. Aww nihilak na di ay ko.

Salamat kaayo Bang sa tanan. Happy Birthday!

17.08.2024

Dear Fr.F,

I hope I see you Monday. I am just embarrassed about the last time. I have no choice to see you on Monday, because I need to confess. I’d make it short. Have I scared you the last time? Perhaps scarred? I hope you are alright.

I went to the healing mass in Dianella. It was not a good experience. It was traumatising, instead. I went downhill from there in every aspect of my being. For instance, last night, I was so angry and hateful against everything, including God. I lost my hope and trust in Him. I started to become hopeless and helpless. I cry every night these days.

I have a theory — it’s not demonic. I do not have any legions of demons possessing me. However, I believe the possession is caused by my sisters, the aborted and miscarried, not to mention my little girl that I miscarried. Although, I am confused about the girl who is tied in the corner. Now, she looks possessed. Perhaps that is why I am sort of conscious during the deliverance. I know what is going on. It is like I’m observing during whole occasion.

I think I know why I’ve cried during the prayers. Is it safe that it was either or both of my sisters? Honestly, I don’t really know where I fit in all these lifelong events. Do I really exist as myself alone? Maybe I am that girl tied in the corner. My sisters restrain me most of my life. I do not understand anymore. Is it even me writing you? I feel like I have a mental illness? But, do I really have one? Or, am I really possessed? Am I paying the sins of my parents? Of my ancestors? I’m the sacrificial lamb, so do speak? Is that it? What I have told you is not even a percent of my ordeal?

Just so maybe it is the reason why I’ve gone wild and screaming, when I went to the Philippines. Also, maybe it is the reason why I insist that I am not my parents’ child.

Here is another theory — Because my mother seek out the occults. Yasmine (She has given me a name since I am planning to have a naming and consecration mass.), the aborted sister, from another mother, has taken residence in me. I mean, if she is a spirit lost, trying to find her mother. She is yearning for love. Perhaps, she is taken it out on me and my life.

I feel like a beggar of love all my life. Get this, I do not even want a relationship. I just want to sit with another person that I like the energy of. Sometimes I wonder if I haven’t married, or come here, my life is less dramatic. I do not have to ruin the lives of my children. I know, I have a pathetic life. I couldn’t keep my promise to God. I fail and fall from His Grace everyday. I am only good at wasting everything He has given me.

This is going to be the last time. When I come to you, I make my confessions short. Actually, I have been meaning to ask you to be my spiritual adviser and confessor. But now, I feel I am going to be a burden. Maybe just a confessor?

But then again, the last few days, God said somethings to me from the Scriptures —

20.08.2024

Oi! BrAH,

Why do you have to do that? Do you even know how to live in prison? Because, I know too well. This is not your business. Why do you have to care now? You don’t care about me. You just want to have a say. Do you even hear yourself? Making it about you, again? Do you know why I don’t talk to you anymore? You either talk about pinball or your work.

I spent all day trying to figure it out. Do you even know what I feel the last few days? You are so full of yourself. I am already spent. I am already sick. You dry me out. I am all out of everything.

Perhaps I need my sisters and my daughter. Because nobody loves me in this temporal life. God does not count. He is not human. Leave me to myself and my mind, which by the way is eaten away by zombie cells. I bet you have so much to say if we are talking in person right now. pft

You already abandoned me in every way possible. I forgive you all the time. But just please, give me a bit of respect when I ask to leave me alone to say my prayers. God is my peace and joy, don’t be selfish because you don’t even believe in Him. My prayers are answered in you. Do you know how crazy that is? You are the alcoholic. I am the one who have a condition. Mate, do not waste the grace of God towards you. God must love you so much. He has given you me. I might not be the prettiest; or I maybe mean; but you have to give it to me, I’d fight to death for you and Asher. I’d beast mode on whoever look down or hurt you. I’d stay by your side beyond this life. Even if it cost me the life and joy I desire.

Remember how selfless we were? Whatever happened to you? And what’s worst... you are selfish towards me and Asher but not to your friends. They get time with you. I don’t. If I would, you spend it talking about work and pinball, of course.

I regret leaving law school, but I do not regret marrying you. You think I do not love you anymore, yeah? Because I perceive love beyond what this world know of love — romance and sex. You think we are still married if those are what makes love or life?

Yet, not because my love for you is extraordinary, you’d just treat me lesser than a dog. I still remember, Stinky got more love than me. I just let it slide because he loved me.

God must have a reason that we are together. Do not waste this love. Do not ever pull an Owen on me ever. Do not repeat your dad’s abandonment. I am the one person who’d love you regardless, everything else is vain. All is vanity. It’s in the Bible. You should read it.

I may speak harshly about you (everything is the truth anyway), come on… you know too well I would always come home for the laundry. Yeah? But sometimes, I just want to be alone. Let me be selfish like you. I am slowly running out of juice. Petrol or whatever.

Everything is vanity, indeed. Except laundry. It’s a never-ending story (cue melody here.)

21.08.2024

Hey! Sliders&Jumpers,

My little girl likes you. She wants you to be her daddy. LOL! Easy mate, I do not have any interest in you. My girl thinks you are a good father. I have seen you with your two boys. Hey! Where is the wife? I hope she is okay.

My daughter likes your spirit. Oh, my girl’s name is Aia. The thing is, she’s not here. She is not tangible anymore like the rest of the human lot.

Please excuse her. Her life has been cut short like her two aunties… by yey-short. Also, maybe one of my sisters like you. Okay, there’s that.

If you ask me, have I not been married, would I like you? I do not think so. I would like to love myself again. Just me… like that Miley Cyrus’ Flower song. But sure, I could sit with you watching the human lot’s vanity in mediocrity. That’s it.

Laundry is Life,

Cielo (yellow with Thhh like three in Spanish proper pronounciation)

17.08.2024

Dear D03,

#letters